Why do I?

You see I tend to make a lot of mistakes which I'm not too proud of but for some reason I do it all too often...I care so much about other people and their feelings yet hurt the people that I should be caring for the absolute most. I over think things and wonder all the time. My happiness isn't real, I can't lie since it only comes when I get my way. This isn't me, this isn't the person I want to be. This is the kind of person who I would want to stay away from. A person who would make me feel like I've got to watch my own back with every thing I do. Why am I like this then? Because I let it happen, you see your mind is a very powerful thing and if you let it it can take over. You will assume things and become scared of "just going with the flow" because you're afraid something you don't like is going to happen, and because you're letting your mind think that you will start to concentrate more and more onto that "thing" that bothers you and it'll ruin your happiness and the happiness of others. I know who I want to be I've played it a million times in my head but I haven't seen it in real life in months. It's no ones fault but my own. I can only blame myself. I messed a lot of things up but my mind still want to know more. But how much can one take before it's too much? before they pop just like a hot air balloon? I'm not sure. So what do I do now? stay this way? a stranger to my own self? It's time for a change, a big change, one that seems scary since I don't know how it'll be at first. But it's not impossible and once I can find who I am and realize what needs to be done then maybe, just maybe I can be happy again. Well screw it I know I can do it, I will be happy again.